Gambar-gambar Kem Remaja OA 2005!!!

You were there when I needed a friend...

Craving : Buffalo Burgers

I have been going through quite a bit of personal struggles over the past couple of weeks, especially during the last few days. I was trying to work things out myself with an occasional prayer or two and didn't really want to share with anyone. There was a friend who actually confronted me and asked me spill the beans and confide in that friend and not keep everything inside, giving me the advice I usually gave instead, and so I did. Ofcourse I didn't share about everything, that would take too long but it was enough to help, and I was pretty thankful for that. Unfortunately that just seemed to be a temporary relief and the past few days, tirednes coupled with all the stuff going through my mind and heart really got to me. I mean it was so bad that my heart would actually physically ache. To make things worse, it seemed suddenly that when I finally wanted to let it all out, I felt that there was almost no one I could confide in. Even those whom I wanted to talk to were either busy, or sounded uninterested or we ended up talking about their stories instead. It may have just been the state I was in, or it may be I am just too damn sensitive (or like someone suggested, that I should change sex..hahaha) but during those couple of days I felt as if there was just no opening for me to share. I know my friends didn't mean it and they really do care for me, but at that time I just felt so lonely.

Then yesterday, on my way back from work, I prayed because it hurt so much and I just didn't know what to do anymore. And as I was praying I could feel God talking to me. It was as if he was saying to me "Finally! I was wondering how long it would take for you turn to me" . Suddenly, I just felt that it was God that had closed all this doors for me share with my friends so that I could finally learn and realize that it is only Jesus Christ that I should be relying on. It was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes. I suddenly saw how I had been looking in the wrong places for comfort. I had been turning to friends first and foremost, but God wanted me to turn to Him first. It was as if he was telling me to look first to Him and He'll send the friends later. Suddenly, it was as if hey revealed to me all the things that was not right in my life with Him, and I almost cried. It was all I could do to tell Him I was sorry. Sorry for all the heartache and pain I've caused Him, and how thankful i am that even through all that He still loves me enough to guide me in such a manner. He has helped me overcome those struggles I was having and now I feel rejuvenated, almost back to myself again...and all I can say is.....Thank you, Lord! Thank you.

Camp is over

Craving : Sang Yu Chuk (Fish Porridge) - from around Batu Caves

Well the orang asli youth camp is over, and I had an great time there. I'm so privellage to have been able to see God work in their lives and see at 14 youngs souls saved for His kingdom. It was really a blessing to have served with so many committed people who sacrificed sleep, comfort and energy in making the camp and enjoyable and memorable one for the OA youth. And as for the YFer's who were involved, I'm sure I speak for all the YF teachers, especially KP, Shaun, Peng Chui and myself who were there to see you lead your groups, that we are truly blessed to have see the Lord working through you all. For the YAFer's it was nice camping and hanging out with you guys, especially since I don't spend all that much time with you all. Enjoyed the fellowship tremendously and the lack of mosquitoes even more! Hooray! (for those of you who don't know, the last YAF camp I was involved in, I was a honorary committee member......the Mosquitoe Buffet Representative)

On to other things...I have been feeling quite down this past few days. Mostly because of personal problems. I have this slight problem, of trying confiding in people about my problems....ok maybe not so slight...but I'm thankful for those of you who have lent a ear..Jee Leng and Shaun thanks for listening and your prayers..they really mean alot to me. Sorry if I've hurt you guys in anyway ... you know that is the last thing I want to do.

From the warzone

Cravings : Homemade Pork Belly Pepper Soup

Guess what. I'm reporting in from the middle of a warzone. Yup, that's right a warzone where souls are being fought for. I'm blogging from the church computer in the middle of the Orang Asli youth camp that we are having at the moment. I'm able to do this because I have some work to finish up by tomorrow and have use of the computer. So while I'm waiting for the photostat machine, I decided to blog a little. It has been a fun first day at camp and I've met many new people. I'll have to admit I had prejudices before this camp, about the OA being backward and all, but I now know how wrong I was. They are real fun people, and I find myself being encouraged by them, especially this one person I met who has resigned from his job and is now serving the Lord fulltime, and he is only 20 years old! I hope that the berita baik or the good news will reach these youth during this camp and they too will come to have a wonderful relationship with Christ.

I think the Lord has also hit me with a revelation or two about myself again recently, one even today. It sorta hit me a bout 30 minutes or so ago that I have a problem with my close relationships, as in I think that when I become close with a person, and we talking about normal friends here, I start to make most conversations too serious and I forget about the fun factor. This is why I think why most of my close friendships (there are excepts of course) have a bell curve sort of graph, where things start of lukewarm, get really good in the middle, then taper off again. Really something I got to remedy I think. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes to this, I pray I just have enough strength to change.

Speaking of which, I was told by some friends the other day that I just seem to be very active in church. As if I seem to be involved in everything, a rising star as another put it. This really got me thinking. Am I getting to caught up in doing? If I am, Lord I am very sorry. I have noticed that I am very involved in church activities these days, and I'm a little worried and confused as well. Have I really stopped being a person of God and am just doing? Or is this just a way for me to learn to rely on God's strength? I really don't know...maybe one of you have some thoughts on this, because you guys can see what I don't see. Please let me know if you do.

Clingy-ness.....Eeesh!

Craving : Beef Wellington

I felt like blogging today, but didn't have anything to blog about. So I had actually decided to forego blogging, however a recently concluded meeting with my boss and couple of collegues just changed all that. One of my colleagues it was decided was going to have problems meeting a dateline that had been brought forward, so my boss had called him in to the meeting to have a discussion on what was too be done. Overtime and coming back on weekends was suggested, and my collegue agreed to that, but then proceeded to ask "Er, I bring my girlfriend along can arr?". I believe all the other three inhabitants in the room were quite shocked. I mean the objections to this were obvious right? How was he to concentrate on work while his significant other was in the same room. He claimed however that he would be able to concentrate better with her in the room because she wouldn't be calling him all the time and he wouldn't be worried because she was waiting for him at home. My question is, if you are already having problems concentrating while she is not around, what's gonna happen when you have her with you in the same room and she being bored out of her mind? You concentrate better? I don't think so! My boss tried to reason with him and said, you know you could have breakfast with her on saturday..come in abit late and then work till about five or so and head home. Apparently this wouldn't do either, because she always wants to spend time with him. Even explaining to her that this was only going to be for this few weeks wasn't an option, because she would still want to spend time with him and wouldn't be happy otherwise. Overtime on weekdays is a nono as well, due to the above said reasons. I tell you I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't believe anybody could be this unreasonable and so clingy. Hello! You're in a relationship! You're not handcuffed together..there has got to be space! Eeeessshh..really can't stand girls or guys like this. I mean you got to understand, it is not because the guy doesn't want to spend time with you, but it is just that he has stuff to do, and it is only for a few weeks to boot. My boss even asked him, "If your girlfriend is like this now, what is going to happen when you work in a bigger company? What are you going to tell your boss then?". Oh man, I really hope I never end up in a realtionship like that. I mean..I don't think I could handle it......Excessive Clingy-ness = BAD.

Do you ever wonder why?

Craving: Roasted Suckling Pig

Have you ever wondered why you were this way? I mean why you have the personality that you have? Why you have that particular trait? Well I woke up this morning wondering why. Why I have to be sensetive to changes in my friendships. I mean why can't I just be more blur or ignorant? Then I wouldn't have to deal with all the thinking, feeling and other stuff that comes along with it. I really shouldn't be blogging about this, but I guess I just need to get it off my chest. You guys want to know the irony of it all? ..... sigh...nevermind forget it. Somethings are just better left unsaid.

The weekend was pretty hectic. Was out and about most of the time starting friday night. Out Celebrating birthdays and graduations. Had fun times with all of them, and so I shall take the opportunity to say...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIMOTHY!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DINAH!
CONGRATULATIONS KEAT POH!
CONGRATULATIONS CHARITY!

P/S : There is one more congratulations I have to give out, but since it has been requested to be kept under wraps, I will just hold on that. Congrats...you know who you are.

Max vision....500m

Craving : A Bratwurst.....a good one, not the crap you get supermarket

Wel, let's see....oh wait..I can't see. Why? Because of the crap ass haze that has suddenly blanketed the Klang Valley. It is so bad that visibility is only about 500m and most schools have been closed. That's terrible I tell you. When I was driving back from work yesterday and I was heading up one of the fly overs on the LDP, I could barely see the supports from the bottom of the ramp. The last few nights, driving around has made me feel like I was in some highlands and driving around in fog. Yes, that is how bad the haze is. 330 hotspots in Indonesia is causing this, my goodness can't their goverment do something about those hotspots? Cloud seed or something you know what I mean. If this keeps going on..I think a majority of the poulation will just fall sick..in fact even now people are starting to fall sick.

A couple of nights ago I went out on sort of a "family" outing. Why do I say that? Cause I was out with 4 friends, two of them I consider as brothers and the other two I consider as sisters. It had been awhile since we were all out together like that and it was really fun. We talked about old times, and the good thing was even though we hadn't seen each other in a long time, we were still able to chat. Ofcourse there were a couple of akward moments of semi silence..but no real bumps in the road if you guys know what I mean. Truly enjoyed myself and I hope we do that again soon.

That being said, I think I have lost the ability to talk about myself. Well it is either that or I lead a boring life. Neither scenario bodes well for me. Why do I say this? Because I have come to realize that when I want to talk about myself, or my day or something like that most of the time I can't think of anything to say. All I can think off are old stories, of things that used to happen. Actually, you know what..I think the ability to talk about myself only plays a small part....my life really is that boring. :P

Hilly weekend

Craving : Steamed Egg

My weekend has been one rollercoaster ride with plenty of high and low points. Saturday started of pretty well with I getting up about 9, having breakfast, then sleeping again until about 2pm. It was excellent. I haven't slept like that in a long long time. I guess with my new resolution to fight the bulge with a walk and sit up every morning was getting to me. (I wonder how long I'm going to be holding this up). Youth was fun as always, altough for some reason I was still a little sleepy during the video and discussions. Was good to see most of my stuents there, and even more encouraging to see many of them who were quiet previously open up and share a little. Thank God for that. Went out for dinner with some of the other YF teachers that night, although there was this 'boy crazy' student who tagged along as well....hahahah...just joking onli...dun marah yeah. We had dinner at Asia Cafe in Subang and as usual I got a little too greedy and ordered too much and I could even finish my food in the end. Let's see...I ordered fried mushrooms, dim sum, claypot chicken rice, and squirrel soup. This was also in addition to the fried oysters that were already on our table. *sigh* I truly have lost my power.

There were a couple of low points on Sunday, but there were a couple of high points too. Lets start with the low. Well lets see..my car got broken into during worship again..how ever this time I think they just picked the lock..so no damage there..also they didn't get anything besides an empty bag which I had gotten for free. IMore gut wrenchin however was that I lost my watch. I had just fixed the strap this week, and now I seemed to have misplaced it. I'm really kicking myself for this one. My parents don't know yet..and I really dread to tell them this....because I just can't believe how stupid and careless I am! This loss is really gutting me because I keep misplacing my watches, and I feel I let my parents down when I do.....

Fortunately there were high points too. We had a great fundraiser for the Orang Asli camp. The Young Adults Fellowship had decided on a mamak theme for the fundraising and I, the kitchen kay poh that I am decided to help out as.....the teh tarik man....had a couple of spills but had even more fun making the teh tarik and giving people diabetes. Thank goodness it is going to be A&W next week. Hehe. The best thing though, was that for the first time for a long time I was able to get alot of things of my chest. Was able to share alot of things with my friend and it really made me feel so much better. So to you I say..."Thank you so very much!". You know who you are..:)

Shortest Entry Ever

Craving : A nice juicy.....Mango!

I'm one confused and misguided person.

Tear drops fall

Craving : Caviar on little crackers

Tear drops fall,
Hidden from view,
Seen by none,
Heard by less then very few.

Each shining tear,
Conforms to gravity.
To an audience of one,
Tells its story.

Smiles and laughter,
An ever present facade,
Never will they see,
The dew drops within the heart.

Only the Father knows,
Why each tear falls,
Seen by no man,
No, none at all.

Deep inside,
An aching pain,
The heart cries,
Oh what a strain.

Yet of each tear,
There is no regret,
Each one treasured,
No matter how sad.

For each is born of a friend,
Who for that short period in time,
Came, reached out, touched,
Enough to inspire this rhyme.

by Su Yuen Hsiang

Lost Memories

Cravings : Pizza

My car got broken into yesterday. The thief broke down my back window pane, during sunday morning worship and grabbed some stuff from my car. I lost a whole bunch of cd's, my smart tag, small change and my camera. I lost three presents, 2 birthday presents and a christmas present, which was pretty sad. But for some reason the thing that really got to me was the loss of my camera. I didn't realized it at first, then when I remembered it really gutted me. Why? Because I just had my YF group outing the day before and had taken lots of pictures, including a couple 1-on-1 pics. Well I guess it is just my fate ehh..not to have many pictures. I guess most people would find me strange, because the loss of the other stuff didn't affect me all that much, these picture thing really does. It's like losing precious memories you know..*sigh*

So now, because I had been jiwanging most of last week, I was already feeling a bit down. Then a friend of mine really irritated me(And no Charles, it is not who you are thinking). The friend was feeling down, so I went and layan, but my friend still want to tarik harga and brush me off. Now usually, I would be able to handle that, but due to my jiwang mood I was pretty annoyed by my friend's actions and I was like whateva! You expect me to layan you and then still treat me like that? Come on! You think I don't have feelings too? Then on Sunday my car got broken in to, then I figured out my pictures were missing. So my mood wasn't all that good. I was getting irritated fast. And I guess I vented it abit on some of my friends, who didn't deserve it. Sort of tunjuk muka, as they say. I'd like to say sorry to you two. Really sorry yeah? You are two of my good friends and I shouldn't have done that.

That being said it actually takes alot for me to lose my temper. In fact I believe only maybe 2 people in church have seen me lose my temper, and that is because they attend the same school as me (That reminds me...sorry 'bout that Charles, though it was a long time ago, I don't think I ever apologized). Being happy, smiling and just generally being easy going was something I used to pride myself on. Unfortunately over the past couple of years I find I am irritatable and less tolerant then I used to be..maybe I'm under alot of stress...more likely I just need a girlfriend...hahahaha

Which actually brings me to another thing....I'm feeling lonely again. It is not that I don't have friends whom I can hang out and really fellowship with but I'm just in that "I want someone to hold" mood again. I'm sure you people out there understand. All the jiwang and emo songs I listening to doesn't help either..haha. One of my biggest fears is I guess that I will be single for life. I have sort of commited it to GOD, and I can live with being single, but I really hope that's not HIS plan for me...hahaha. I think I shared in a previous entry how I would love to have a gf I could trust completely and confide in. I think I should clarify that. I actually would just love someone I can be completely honest with and really trust, but that person has to do the same with me. I can only put as much trust in someone as they put in me I guess. You know, someone who is willing to work through the hurt and pain such a close relationship will definately experience instead of just hiding, withdrawing and being non-confrontational. Hopefully there is someone out there willing to be as vulnerable with me as I will be with them.